Shock me Amadeus!

People surprise me every day – and not usually in a good way. There’s the guy that showed up on my doorstep 2 years after we broke up with roses begging me back. I know you’re thinking that this was sweet but we broke up after only a month and I’d moved since then so he had to go stalker-style to find me. And, since he had a history of showing up on my doorstep drunk and crying and screaming that he loved me (seriously a month people, just a month) back 2 years ago, I was forced to be extremely clear about what will happen next time he steps foot on my property. He makes me glad I own a gun and have an alarm system. However, if he tries the 2am screaming on the lawn thing again, he won’t have to worry about me shooting him. Since he sounds something like a wounded moose he should worry about my neighbor the hunter. Lucky for us all, he hasn’t been back (that I know of).

Then there’s the guy that walked up to me randomly one day at a gas station and gave me a single rose telling me he thought I was beautiful. I was both flattered and surprised and absolutely SURE he was going to rob me or shove me into the trunk of my car. I know, why can’t someone just do something nice for someone without everyone assuming they have bad intentions. I’m sorry, blame the people like my first example. Incidentally this man did not rob me or shove me in my trunk so it was just a very sweet gesture but he was at least 20 years my senior so we just didn’t have a chance. I’m sorry sir.

And it’s not just men that I find shocking. My friend’s daughter asked me when she was only 3 if I ever rubbed my vagina. I was speechless. I didn’t want to give the kid a complex about it but I didn’t want to encourage this kind of topic (or encourage her to spend too much time rubbing hers). And, I certainly wasn’t going to explain that it my age we have something way better called “the rabbit”. I told her that all vagina talk was for mommy. I have no idea how her mommy handled it but I’m pretty sure “the rabbit” wasn’t part of the conversation. However, she’s 6 now and she’s not asked me about my vagina again so I think I’m in the clear.

Today I was surprised by an acquaintance I made 3 years ago. Today I checked into myspace for the first time in months to see that I have a 2 month old email from him sitting there unread. Whoops. Turns out that 2 months ago he got divorced and can now admit that he’s had feelings for me since the day he met me 3 years ago. And yes, you read that correctly, I called him an acquaintance. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen him in person. He’s invited me to a few house parties but I’ve never been able to go to any of them because of schedule problems. I’ve never talked to him on the phone. Our entire “friendship” was via myspace emails and comments and even those weren’t with any sort of regularity (as illustrated by the fact that one sat unnoticed for 2 months in my inbox).

I’d first like to point out that this is a lot of shocking information for an email. I had no idea your marriage was on the rocks. This is the kind of information that really should be broken slowly and in chunks, don’t you think? I guess there’s no protocol for the 3 year crush but simply telling me he got divorced was shocking enough for one email. Then maybe feel me out a little and ask about my life, if I’m dating anyone. Then if the coast is clear pull out the “I’ve wanted to ask you out for a long time.” I guess given the frequency with which I’ve check my myspace email he figured that could take years and it was better just to jump in feet first.

The problem is that I have no idea how I feel about the notion because I am so shocked. Unfortunately there’s no protocol for responding to such events either. I don’t know what to say first, “I’m sorry I didn’t check my email sooner,” or “A lot can change in two months, is this still accurate and true?”

I’ll tread slowly but I am going to say this. This guy claims he’s had feelings for me for three years based on a few in person conversations and some email banter. So, there’s a chance that all the guys I’ve given my number to in bars are just waiting for their divorces to be finalized before they act on their feelings and call me up. That finally explains all the times I’ve given out my number only to never be called. So, guys, when you do call, break the news slowly – after all, I’d have never given you my number if I knew you were married.