Sunday, September 12, 2010

Working on Sunday is Hazardous

So, I'm at work on a Sunday. Why? Well because...I just am.

My friends texting me to say, "What? Why aren't you *insert more fun activity here*?" you are not helping the situation.

So, I drank a lot last night, and the night before because it's my birthday week in which I manage to guilt random friends into taking me out to dinner every night until I've drilled a fresh hole in my liver from the free drinks and eaten at least 10 lbs of red meat. I refuse to feel guilty for all the calories...or the drunk texts. But as a result of such gluttony, my digestive system is making itself a little difficult to get along with today, if you know what I mean.

I headed into the ladies room thankful that I'm the only idiot stupid enough to work on a Sunday when I encountered a spider. And I don't mean a small but terrifying sort, I mean the kind that has a body the size of my big toe with furry legs and shit and is big enough for you to see the malice in his eyes kind of terrifying spider. And it was between me and the stall in the bathroom. In a panic fit I grabbed the air freshener off the sink and sprayed the beast as it ran and I did my "ew, spider" dance (which looks oddly like a cross between the chicken dance and Irish step dancing) and squealed.

I then dropped the air freshener and ran out of the ladies room because I was both terrified to continue my showdown with the spider and because of the overwhelming perfume-y "Springtime Fresh" smell of the air freshener was about to suffocate me.

Unfortunately, my "fight or flight" reflex is no match for the amount of alcohol and red meat I've consumed in the past 48 hours so I was forced to use the men's room because I'm pretty sure that the spider is waiting behind the ladies room door to eat me alive and because I'm pretty sure I'd asphyxiate in there after emptying most of the bottle of air freshener. This is okay because I'm the only one in the office...or so I thought.

As I got back to my desk, one of the men that works here comes into my office and asks, "do you know who else is here?" and I'm all, "Nope." And he goes, "Well, some one's definitely here, the men's room toilet is clogged and I just used it an hour ago and it worked fine." I tried to look innocent as I said, "Weird. Maybe they already left."

For the record, it appeared to flush just fine when I used it so I have no idea how it's suddenly clogged. Maybe that spider followed my trail and fell into it? That's probably it.

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