Sunday, July 6, 2008

It all started with a box of Tampons...

There was an “incident” at the grocery store several weeks ago that my friends still find every available opportunity to exploit for their amusement. It occurred when an influx of hormones aligned with my overzealous pitching arm too close to the shopping basket of an attractive male and resulted in a tragically errant box of tampons. In short, I was lobbing a box of tampons into my cart when it skidded across the top of a bag of cat litter, bounced off the paper towels, and landed squarely in someone else’s cart. The someone else happened to be a rather good looking guy who at the moment happened to be bent over engrossed in the dental hygiene products so he didn’t notice my blunder. I had a panic attack wondering how to dislodge my tampons from between his pasta and soda. I was running through the possible scenarios in my head and decided reaching into his cart was bound to attract his attention. I automatically nixed the idea of mentioning to him that I’d thrown my tampons in his cart because how do I exactly word that to the hot grocery shopper? “Hey, excuse me, I’m kind of moody, bloated, and obviously not a good pitcher so can you pass me the tampons over there by the rigatoni?” I’m sure he’ll ask for my number right away. However, before I came up with an idea for handling the situation, he selected his product of choice, smiled at me and walked away – with my tampons in his cart. I was far too befuddled to chase him down for a box of tampons so I abandoned the rest of my list, grabbed a new box, and headed straight to check out.

I did post an apology to him on Craigslist under Missed Connections which received a ton of responses. I was amazed at how many men were willing to ask out a girl that just admitted in print that she’s moody and bloated just because she has a sense of humor. In addition, this has been the butt of many jokes in my circle of friends. One friend asked me for some business cards to stick to boxes of feminine products so he could hurl them into the carts of guys he thought might be good matches for me next time he was at the store. Another guy suggested that I just throw tampons in random guys’ carts and then approach them and ask, “are you single or are those for me?” (Ok, so we were into the liquor when we came up with these.)

Well, today I was at the same grocery store to get some prescription refills and as I wandered through the greeting card aisle I looked up and found myself face-to-face with the tampon guy. I almost choked. He definitely noticed the shock on my face so there was no recovering or covering it up. I had to come up with some explanation for my behavior because he looked concerned that perhaps he had something hanging out of his nose or something. I didn’t have nearly enough time to think and before I could turn on the filter between my brain and my mouth I heard myself say, “I dropped tampons in your cart.” OH MY GAWD – NO I DID NOT. I did. Uugh. He looked so confused because at the moment – he had no cart, just one of those baskets you hand carry. “No.. I mean.. I did… not today… before… you walked off and… but I was embarrassed…so I didn’t stop you…I just got another box…” Is this what it feels like to drown in quicksand? He looked more concerned now than he did when he thought he might have something hanging out of his nose.

Deep breath – start over.

So, I started at the beginning attempting to use complete sentences and vocabulary that indicates that I have an education that extends beyond first grade. By the time I got to the end of the story, he was…laughing…and I wasn’t sure if I should turn and run out of the store or laugh along with him. Since I actually needed the prescriptions I was having filled, I was kind of stuck.

He admitted that he found them when he went to check out but he was too embarrassed to give them to the checkout girl and tell her that they weren’t his so he stuffed them in the candy bin. We had a good laugh but shockingly, he didn’t ask for my number. I don’t know why, I didn’t attempt to put any feminine products in his basket this time.

So, if you’re reading this and you were just too shy, I’ll meet you in the feminine products same time next week?

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